Childbirth Class aka 1 Million and One Things You Would Probably Really Rather Not Know

In a few minutes I have to go to the second part of our childbirth class. My superman should be glad he’s getting out of it for now (even though I plan on showing him the online version of the class just so I don’t have to be the only one who’s been scarred for life by it). Oh yes, I’ve read all the articles and heard everybody say, “It will be a good preparation for you. Now you’ll know what it’s going to be like.”
I just have to say here and now, long and loud for everybody to hear–I didn’t know it, but I didn’t want to know what it’s going to be like. This is one of the rare cases where ignorance actually IS bliss. Sure, I knew in the back of my head that giving birth was going to be gory and messy, but knowing that and actually having to SEE somebody else give birth on camera…. I’m still shuddering.
And now I’m pretty much completely terrified. Before the class, I was feeling pretty okay with the whole idea. Ya know–sure, it’ll be really painful, but she’s been in there long enough, and I’m ready to have my body back, and not have to use the bathroom every fifteen minutes, and not wake up when I need to roll over in the night because it’s like moving a mountain and of course, I can’t wait to meet the little wigglebutt after 9 months… Yeah, that’s a thing of the past. I still want all of those things to happen, (or quit happening as the case may be) but I don’t want to go anywhere near labor and delivery to make it happen.
I’ve learned in this class that as soon as you go in, they’re going to stick you with needles (I always get a creepy falling feeling in my stomach when they stick me with needles–I can’t imagine having to look at an IV port in my arm), limit your mobility unless you scream and fuss and carry on about it (Don’t worry, I will), and only let you chew on ice chips. Still, I could handle all of that really easily if it wasn’t for the videos. The videos. Seriously. After I got over the shock that there were people in the world who let themselves be videotaped in labor and giving birth, I was 110% disgusted. I’ll spare my readers the graphic details, but believe me–the videos showed EVERYTHING.
Maybe that works for some people. Maybe seeing the event helps them plan for it and be prepared. I just don’t think I’m that type of person. I’m perfectly happy reading everything I can about labor and delivery, and knowing that I won’t have any idea what it’s going to be like until I actually do it. That works for me. It’s called crossing bridges when you come to them.
That’s all I have time for right now. If I’m not too scarred by the rest of this class I may try and wrap up this post in a neater fashion.
For now, I’ll leave you with this thought: If any of the nurses even TRY to bring in a mirror when I’m giving birth, I may kill them. On the spot. Dead. That is all.


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